Welcome Back, Suckers

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. I would apologize, but I don't think anybody really reads this. This is (obviously) an old rant, and I think it's still funny and relevant. I'm going to start posting more now that I've graduated so check back often (who am I talking to?).

Ah yes, the days get shorter, the weather gets colder, and school begins anew. I hope everybody reading this (both of you) had a fun and eventful summer… and everything else I’m supposed to say in the first article of the year. Now that that is out of the way, down to business. This campus is too damn busy. I have been here most of the summer, save three weeks I spent in Winnipeg (why would anyone build a city in a place where it would snow at the beginning of August?), and usually the campus pretty much empties out in the summertime.

Not this year though – there’s construction everywhere, building condos that we don’t need (see last year’s rants, I’m sure there are copies lying around in every freebie newsstand on campus), masses of students and business people taking tours of the campus (probably looking into the overpriced condos), and most recently, goddamn freshman-wanker-kids who have brought their parents with them to school!

Why the hell would you bring your parents to school? The answer I’ve come up with is that this year’s batch of unknowing test subjects (yes my pretties… volunteer for the experiment… make 5 dollars… but your soul will be mine!) is EXTREMELY dependent on their parents for everything. There is no other possible explanation. It’s not as if these kids parents are showing them around the school, they look just as lost and bewildered as their children. The parents are there to simply pay for everything that the newbies want or need because now that they’re in at UBC… they’re all going to be doctors!

Now, a clarification, I’m not against asking your parents for money to help you out when times are hard, what I am against is kids whose parents pay for their entire goddamn education, living expenses, cars, and cell phones, work for it you little fuckers!

Furthermore, what really bothers me about these kids is the fact that their parents are physically at UBC, credit cards in-hand, to do it. At least have a little dignity and get your parents to send you the money so that you can lie about doing everything yourself like everybody else. I appreciate the lie, the lie is a courtesy and a form of showing some respect for your fellow student; it’s like a gesture of trying to fit in, kind of a charming little pleasantry that allows me to forget for a moment what a spoiled little bastard you are. Alas, these children have obviously completely missed out on this bit of student etiquette. So that means that not only will my first week of school be full of bumping into lost first-years on my way to class asking me for directions, which I don’t usually mind, but now it’ll be: “Where’s Hebb Theatre? I can’t do it by myself, will you walk me there?”

I guess it’s really not all as bad as that… yet. At least UBC seems to understand what we’re going through (for once), and compensates us with a week or so of first-year events that we can get free food from (just look lost but excited, it works every time). I should probably let you get to class at this point, given that you will probably have to chaperone no less than three students on your way; besides, my phone is ringing and it’s probably my mother trying to send me money. Have a good year.