On Impressing Women

This is my most recent rant. In fact, I wrote it this morning and inspired myself to start using this blog again (note how almost all of the posts are from May 6, starting around noon). The events described are all true and no details have been jazzed up. I remember them all so clearly because it all happened yesterday evening. Those are true excerpts from a stimulating conversation I overheard, and I honestly wish that I could email this article to each and every one of those kids on the bus last night.

So I was on the bus on my way home from a wonderful dinner with my fiancée, when the bus was boarded by five teenagers, about fourteen years old. There were two girls and three boys. One of the boys was quiet, and I didn’t actually know that he was part of the group until much later, so he will be left out of this story. The two remaining boys were swearing at each other, yelling, and seemed about ready to fight one another over something that had happened earlier that day. The ride was about twenty minutes long until we all got off the bus (my fiancée and I live in an apartment on the UBC campus, and these kids all lived in a family housing area, I assume that their parents are students or profs), and the swearing, screaming, and threatening continued the entire time. The two girls looked extremely embarrassed the entire time and were trying to quiet the boys down, constantly looking back at my fiancée and I as if to apologize (we just smiled to indicate that it wasn’t their fault). The girls got off the bus one stop earlier than the boys and when they did, a surprising thing happened: the boys completely stopped fighting and were friends again. They talked about how they had impressed the girls and how they were now going to go get cigarettes from people, and instead of what seemed to be an impending brawl there was instant camaraderie. My fiancée and I continued to laugh all night as we recounted this awkward display of teenage manliness.

It is interesting to note that these boys have absolutely no idea how much they embarrassed their intended females and instead felt that they were making progress with them, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. So I feel that since I have left my idiot teenager self behind and grown into a much more sophisticated, less obvious idiot that I can give advice to the young men out there just bursting with hormones and with no idea how to attract positive attention from the girls they like. I’m going to break this up into a few categories to make it easier to take in.

Language – The main thing to remember here is that the way you speak is how women judge your wit, charm, and intelligence. Swearing like a sailor ceased to be cool in fifth grade. I’m not against saying “fuck” or “damn it” occasionally; there are times when those words have their place. However, phrases such as “you’re such a fucking moron, you like to eat your own fucking shit and shove dildoes in your fucking ass as you lick your fathers balls” (an excerpt from the stimulating conversation I couldn’t help but overhear) are not exactly prudent in impressing the ladies. Swearing should be seen as a last resort in expressing your dislike for something. In a perfect world we would all be like James Bond who is infinitely cool and never swears at all – look at how he fares with the women, but because this is not possible try to remember Spike Milligan who said, in summary, that swearing is considered by most to be a means of expressing yourself when you are too simple to think of anything witty to say. Another huge mistake these boys made was calling some other girl (not present on the bus) a slut. Chances are that girl is not a slut, and gets called one because all of the boys like her and don’t know how to deal with it. The problem with this, apart from it being mean, is that the girls you’re trying to impress just heard to talking trash about another girl (probably a pretty one) behind her back, and will now assume that you will do the same thing with them. You’ve just put up a huge barrier between this girl trusting you enough to let you date her. Furthermore, one of the boys said “I was gonna go out with her but I didn’t because she’s a slut”. If you ever hear this line, it can be translated thusly: I was going to ask her out, but I chickened out completely; I don’t want you to think I’m any less of a man though. Remember how the girls were trying to shut up the boys last night? Well eventually they just turned away and tried to ignore them. That’s because women like men who are cultured, not crude, so instead of putting your linguistic energy into what will definitely be a fruitless labour try to learn a few lines of another language. One of the girls on the bus was Japanese, learn to say “Hello, how are you?” or “I think you’re pretty” in Japanese and she’ll respond a lot better than listening to you talk about your friends incestuous adventures. If, however, you find that you really do need to swear, let it out with your guy friends, they don’t care about that. Just remember that when the girls are around, your purpose is to impress them, not the other guys. You will be infinitely cooler in your guy-friends’ eyes if you are dating that hot girl instead of sitting around on a Saturday night swearing in your friends basements.

Hygiene – This is very important, and could be the key to you getting her attention, even if you can’t cap the swearing thing. SHOWER EVERY DAY WITHOUT EXCEPTION! I hate to be the one to break it to you, but teenagers smell awful to the rest of the public. I can’t even enter my fiancée’s younger brother’s room if he has friends over because the smell is so bad. In your teens, your body produces an extraordinary amount of hormones. In the case of men, it’s testosterone. This should come as no surprise to you, and you may think “I don’t smell” but answer a few questions for me. Do you grow hair on your upper lip? Do you have nearly constant erections? Do you ever get acne? If the answer to any of these questions was “yes”, then you smell. If you answered “no” to these questions, and are over 13, then you’re in denial. This may sound harsh, but it is reality. You must shower daily, use deodorant, brush your teeth, and shave regularly (otherwise you look like a rat, and not in the cute, pet-rat way). Next, lots of men of all ages like to wear cologne or aftershave; often it’s a more appealing scent than what your body naturally produces (see above). A rule about cologne: one spray is the limit. Cologne is meant to be smelled when somebody is in very close proximity to you, as in when they have their head on your shoulder. If your cologne can be smelled by someone sitting behind you on the bus, you are wearing too much. Also, if you use a scented deodorant, avoid cologne completely because the scents clash and smell awful; or, if your cologne is the same smell as your deodorant, you will smell far too strong. With aftershave, put your finger over the opening in the bottle and turn in upside down, the amount left on your finger is enough for your neck and wrists; you will not need any more than this. Ask your friends if they can smell you when sitting beside you, if they say “yes” then you’re wearing too much.

Body – Dan Savage, of the Savage Love advice column, said it best “you should not be thinking about getting your 15 year-old self laid, you should be thinking about getting your 18 year-old self laid”. Most teenagers, from about 12 to 17 go through what is known in the adult world as “the awkward stage”. Your body is gangly, your face is undergoing changes and often your features make you look funny because you are still growing into them, you have acne, and you are constantly uncomfortable in your own body. Girls don’t want to date you because you have no self confidence due to the above reasons. They are interested in older guys. Not because they have cars or money, don’t believe anything written in Maxim Magazine, it’s written for people your age and nobody in their twenties reads it I can assure you (why would they be advertising video games in a magazine for people old enough to go to bars?). The reason girls your age like older guy is because they are more mature in that they don’t swear constantly, have self confidence, and work out. Well, an interesting scientific fact is that testosterone allows you to build muscles faster than any steroid or supplement. The thing you should be doing now is working out and getting a body that the girls will find attractive. It doesn’t take too long to start seeing some results, but it does take a long time to become a huge muscle-man (which few girls actually find attractive) so don’t get discouraged. The look you should be going for is “toned” not “mountains of muscles”, and while having a six-pack is not a prerequisite for getting a date, but it can’t hurt. Play a sport, do an activity, girls like active guys so get out there. After you have a nicer body, you can start dressing nicer as well. Let’s face it, the baggy-jeans, basketball-jersey, homie look doesn’t work for anybody unless you happen to be black. It looks especially stupid if you’re white, because try as you might to speak, dress, and act like a rapper, you will look like a fool; and while you may be thinking “look at Eminem, he made it”, he is the ONLY example of a white guy ever making it into the rap market, and the only people buying his albums are middle class white kids like yourself. We’ve already discussed how girls want to date older, more mature guys, so start dressing like one. Your pants should not hang below your waist; nobody should be able to see your boxers unless you are taking your pants off, in which case you may not need to be reading this. Big T-shirts don’t look good on anybody except big people, band T-shirts don’t look good on anybody period. Wear clothing that fits nicely and isn’t too baggy, that way the girls will be able to see the body you’ve been working towards. Jerseys are for sports games only, either playing or watching them, not for day to day wear (excepting playoff season of course, in which it is acceptable to wear a jersey on game-days). Dress to impress. Again, think of James Bond, a well dressed man is hard to resist (I wouldn’t suggest trying out his corny lines, though. Some things are best saved for the movies); you don’t need to wear a suit or tux in you day to day activities, but well-fitting clothes do you a lot more justice than baggy jeans and basketball jerseys.

Respect – This is the final and most important piece of advice I can possibly give you. You NEED to respect girls for them to want to date you. That sarcastic guy in class that makes hilarious comments at the expense of others is funny, but he’s not getting any (I would know, it used to be me). Girls need to be treated with respect; you have to listen to them, and read their body language. The girls on that bus in the story were totally uninterested in the boys because the boys did not realize that they were embarrassing the girls, and went on doing so. Everybody on that bus ride went home disappointed and frustrated, except me – but that’s another story. If the boys had been paying any attention to the girls, rather than just trying (and failing) to impress them, they would have seen that the girls were not enjoying the boys’ attempts, and were completely turned off by them. Furthermore, nothing turns girls off more than fighting. Nothing. It may make you feel manly and tough, but girls think it’s stupid and immature. Instead of coming of as the hulking man you want them to think you are, they think of you as immature and you remind them of their annoying little brothers. Girls would much rather you walked away than put on a big show about how tough you are. If you want to show them you’re tough, build up some muscles or play a sport because fighting only makes them think you’re a loser.

I hope this helps somewhat, it certainly has for me. Remember not to get discouraged, some girls just aren’t interested and there’s nothing you can do about it. Making fun of those girls when they turn you down, or if you expect them to turn you down without even trying, completely ruins your chances with not only her, but all of her friends as well. While there are plenty of fish in the sea, high school is a small place and it’s four years long; that’s a long time to go with not a single girl liking you because you’ve been a jerk. Girls like guys with a brain, physically fit, smell good, and most of all, are nice to them and respect them. Keep these things in mind and maybe you won’t be going home empty handed with your guy friends as often.