Really, Last Article of the Year. I Promise...

There was a miscommunication regarding this article, hence the confusing title (I'm too lazy to think up something wittier now). It's also from March of 2003, but it never got printed because there was no "last edition" to print. There was lots of talk and planning, and some mention of ice cream, but it all fell through in the end. For anyone who's not familiar with UBC's exam rules, you can't have 3 exams within 24 hours, and can get them moved. Also, seagulls on UBC really will steal food out of your hands.

Well, it’s that time of year again. Classes are winding down, people are getting testy, that annoying guy/girl who sits at the front of your class and asks a million questions is asking even more now, because the margin for grade grubbing is growing ever thinner. This is the best time of the year! This month (although I am including April) we all have the chance to act completely irrationally and not be held accountable for our actions! Why, you might ask? Simple, the answer is stress.

Stress automatically gives you the right to bitch-out anybody you please, in any way you desire, and if anybody calls you on it, you can just say “Sorry, I’m really stressed-out right now”, smile (or laugh), and go on your merry way. You now officially owe nothing to anybody but yourself, and can do whatever you please.

Some of you may already be familiar with this rule, and are probably saying to yourselves “I can do this all the time, nobody’s going to question how stressed-out I am”. But, this argument only works on parents, and non-UBC students. Actual UBC students will call you on being stressed-out during January (i.e.: before you’re really behind in anything), then they have a right to smack you one because it can be relatively fair to assume that you’re not stressed, and just a jackass.

However, during exams it’s a whole different ball game. Sure, everybody’s pretty stressed, but just like everything else competitive, there’s always somebody better than, or who has it worse than, you. As you will see, some elaborate lying can also be done during this period. So, now you have the right to yell “fuck off you cockmaster!” to your bastard roommate who’s been stealing your food, booze, and sex partners. You can walk down University Boulevard and flip off random strangers.

Now for the important part, I’m going to give you all a lesson in the well-practised, ancient art of getting-away-with-being-a-dick-without-the-possibility-of-a-comeuppance:
First – Choose a target. You can pick anybody that you know you will either never see again, or will forgive you afterward.
Next – Decide upon your action. I suggest coming up with some sort of name-calling, combined with something that pisses you of about that person. If you choose a random stranger, try something like this: “Hey dumbfuck! Move over, the sidewalk is made for two people!” If your target is someone you know, try to incorporate their name in the insult, it adds a personal touch that people will appreciate: “Alex, you dipshit! Stop drinking all my fucking milk! Why don’t you get off your ass, get a job, and go buy your own instead of mooching off of me you fat bastard! She only had sex with you because it was dark and she was really drunk!”

Now, you will experience some negative feedback when first trying these out. Be prepared for this, this is what the art is all about. Some common responses are: “What’s your problem?”, “Shut up buddy!”, and sometimes you may get a smack with a purse (Grannies don’t appreciate being flipped-off). Ways to avoid reprimand include some verbal responses, such as: “Sorry, I’m really stressed-out right now”, and “Lots of exams now, guess I’m over-wound”. While it may sound like you’re backing down, you’ve still gotten your point across, and had a good chance to tell somebody off. Personally, I like to turn away and chuckle to myself, it makes me feel like my work is complete. As for response to physical reactions: duck. Grannies aren’t that fast with the sidearm. One time, one of my advanced students received a kick in the nuts. My advice on preparing for this is as follows: A) Wear a cup, if your going to tell it like it is, be prepared to deal with those who haven’t figured out (or don’t appreciate) that you are practising a sacred art. B) Don’t kick back (that’s just rude).

Coming back to competition. Some people you will yell at, tell them you’re under a lot of stress, and they will try and make it seem as if they have it worse than you. You have an advantage here: they will tell you their situation first, so you can lie and make yours worse as a comeback. Observe this example where I have just bumped into someone in the middle of a crosswalk:

Me: Get out of the way you dumbass, why would you stop walking in the middle of a crosswalk, it’s cross-WALK, not cross-STOP.
Other Guy: Shut up buddy, what’s your problem?
Me: Sorry, I’m under a lot of pressure now.
Other Guy: So am I! I have three exams in two days.
Me: So what, I have five exams in two days, and I can’t move them because the 24 hour rule doesn’t apply to me because I’m related to the registrar (not an actual rule, nor do I even know who the registrar is) and I spent last night on the street because my landlord changed my lock when my rent cheque bounced because it was post-dated and my roommate stole all of my money by hacking my bank account and ran to Tibet.
Other Guy: Whoa, sorry pal.
Me: Damn right!

In this example other guy made the mistake of listing his problems first (he was obviously lying anyways). If he didn’t, I would have forced it out of him with sayings like “I bet I have it worse than you” and “You couldn’t possibly understand what I’m going through”. If they have three finals on the same day and they’re not allowed to move them (I don't actually know how that would work), then you have four finals on the same day, aren’t allowed to move them (for the same reason as him, I suppose), and had your wallet stolen right after you spent your last cash on pizza that was pilfered out of your hands by seagulls outside of the SUB. The true art comes in with how far you can push somebody, and then still have them forgive your sudden outburst (without getting a shot in the pills).

So, now you have everything you need to not only yell at complete strangers, but I’ve even given you safety tips. See, I can use my powers for good as well as for evil. Anyways, I’m about done for the year, so to all of you who have been slogging it out, and working hard all year, I have this to say: You should all fuck off you grade-grubbing, cell phone wielding, melodramatic, overgrown high-schoolers….Sorry, I’m really stressed-out right now.