Pocket Attack Tiger™

I wrote this last year at Christmas time and many of the university developments have since begun, I'm still waiting for the animal research funding, though.

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All right! It’s that time again where school is about to end for the winter, it’s going to get really wet outside, and you won’t get to hear me bitch about something for a long time (I know, I’ll miss you all too). So, instead of my taking the usual route of mocking Arts students, teaching you all about hygiene, or complaining about UBC’s random allotment of funds to ridiculous expenditures (“University Town” and its plethora of housing for non-student yuppies, an underground bus loop so we can all get mugged late at night while choking on the fumes from twelve routes worth of diesel buses, destroying War Gym to move it back by one foot so that they can build condos just large enough to block out the sun), I will share a piece of wisdom with you.

Today I’m going to teach you all how to make money. Busloads of money! The key to getting rich is to have an idea that nobody’s had before (or at least stealing it before that person gets a chance to claim it as their own). My idea is this: sell people small pets. Now I know some of you may be thinking “People already have small pets” and “nobody’s going to pay a fortune for a hamster”, but hear me out first. You may notice that wealthy people often have small versions of actual animals. For example, rich old women often have small poodles. Even though large poodles exist, these old women want tiny ones that they can spoil and annoy others with. Another common trend amongst the wealthy is to have exotic pets. No poor person is going to have a back yard full of elephants or komodo dragons.

So my idea is this: combine exotic animals with small animals. We’re all scientists here, so let’s use our powers for evil for once (or at least for ourselves). I suggest making small tigers that you can exploit upon the unwary. Think about it, somebody cuts you in line, and you sick you Pocket Attack Tiger™ on them! They won’t try that again soon! You can even sell accessories for your miniature animals like: Pocket Attack Tiger™ carrying cases, and Pocket Attack Tiger™ remote keyless entry key chains. Everyone will want one, and you can charge buckets of money for them because it’s your idea. What about Briefcase Elk™? Or Handbag Rhinoceros™? The possibilities are endless!

So why should I tell you all my wonderful idea? Maybe it’s because I’m already making lots of money and want to pit my creations against those of other dedicated God-players. Maybe I want to see which of you will try to steal my idea first, and teach you a lesson with my Wallet Electric Eel™ when you’re in line at the patent office. Guess you’ll never know. But, you can still order you Pocket Attack Tiger™ in time for Christmas by emailing me at snaphegyi@hotmail.com. Have a good holiday, and don’t cut me in line.