First-year Friendly, For Once

I've just remembered that the rant I posted last (right below this one) never actually got sent to my editor (not the asshole editor that inspired this site, the cool one I'm friends with who gave up the job to do something more fulfilling with her life, like actually making money). This article was the one I submitted instead. Looking back on it now, the other article is a little harsh...

Ah yes, the days get shorter, the rain begins, and panicked students once again fill the UBC campus. The school year begins anew. Originally, I was going to write an article about how I was pissed off at all of the wanker first-year students who have been bringing their parents to school to buy everything for them for the last week. In fact, I had even completed the article and was chuckling madly to myself in preparation for sending it in. However, my fiancée read the article, and informed me that rather than being funny, it was in fact really mean. Now, in retrospect, I see that she was correct.

So, instead of writing about things that piss me off and benefit nobody, I’m going to be a nice person (given that it’s my last year here and my other articles make me seem somewhat of an ass) and give advice to my fellow students. I have noticed that many people out there rely on their parents for quite a bit of their financial backing, especially the people that I have been noticing in the bookstore with their parents, Mom’s credit card in-hand, purchasing every single textbook on their “assigned reading” list. For those of you that have this luxury, congratulations, you are among the select few that will probably be able to ignore the rest of this article.

However, for the rest of us, this brings me to my first piece of advice: DON’T BUY TEXTBOOKS! Especially not from the bookstore, and especially not before class has begun. As for that reading list, well those tend to change the first day you get to class, and you find out that the prof, on a total whim, has decided that what you were supposed to read is total crap (or at least is irrelevant to the course) and will change all of your books. Apart from that, in every class I have ever been enrolled in, the textbook edition has changed the next year. You see, UBC and it’s profs get perks for changing editions, and they have a deal with publishers that requires them to do so every time a new edition comes out. So, not only will you most likely NEVER use your textbook (ask anyone who has ever taken Chem 121/123), but the edition will change the next year; and while old editions are still perfectly good, the next batch of first-years will not know that and will only want the newest one available (what do they care, their parents pay for it anyways?). So now you’re stuck with a brand new, heavy-assed book that nobody wants. Sell it back to the bookstore, you say? It’s a jagged little pill to swallow as you receive nothing back for your $130 textbook but a smile and an apology because the bookstore doesn’t carry old editions and therefore doesn’t buy them back. Either buy an old edition, or go to a library (there are seven on campus) and photocopy the pages you need, print shops will photocopy and bind a complete text for your for about $40, and selling that for $15-20 next year should be no problem.

Tip number two: DON’T BUY FOOD AT THE SUB! It’s shitty, expensive, and the portions are really small. The village, down the stairs by the McDonald’s (don’t eat that shit either, lazy ass, walk down the stairs!), has MUCH better food, in bigger portions, and costs the same as your tiny Manchu Wok combo. It’s a bit of a walk, but all in all it takes about the same amount of time as waiting in line at the SUB, and you can get it to go (SUB food always comes in foam containers anyways – can those be recycled yet?). It will save you tons of money and bad food experiences. Besides, given the average student diet, we could all probably use the exercise.

Tip number three: DON’T TAKE MORE THAN ONE 8:00 CLASS PER TERM. Everyone thinks they can do it, and everybody burns out around mid-October. This applies even more so if you live off campus. Who are you kidding; you don’t think that you’ll get sick of waking up at 5:00 in the morning every single day to catch a bus because eight of them in a row have passed you by? You don’t think that you’ll be the least bit tempted to skip that early morning chemistry class? Even one 8 AM class is pushing it. Take the afternoon lecture, and if there is no afternoon lecture then take it in the summer. Summer courses are much easier because you only have one or two subjects to think about. All required courses (especially in science) have a summer class. You will end up with better grades, and will be far less homicidal. Also included in this tip is my advice about putting off classes: don’t do it for too long. I did Math 180 in first-year, but I put off Math 101 for three years (like every other UBC student), and I did absolutely NO calculus in high school. Do you think that, three years later, I had any idea what the fuck a derivative was used for? Do you think that I remembered how to plot cube-root graphs after five years of not doing it? God no! I had to call my fiancé’s brother in Winnipeg, who just graduated from high school, to ask him how to complete the square! Take the goddamn course now, or in summer, and save yourself LOADS of misery.

Tip number four: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF FREE SHIT! It’s the beginning of the year, lots of free shit being handed out. As of next month, there will be substantially less free shit being given away and you will need to hunt (some things are sacred and will not be disclosed by me). You know those little agendas? Grab eight of them! They’re full of coupons for half-off, buy-one-get-one-free, and all sorts of other money-saving things. The coupons don’t usually expire until February or so, and everything tastes better when it’s free. Also, there are tons of barbeques, beer gardens, and other social events that are very minimally guarded and have free food if you’re a first-year, a pledge, or whatever. The frat kids may beat you up if you try and pass yourself off as one of them, but hey, free burger! Also, many movies and TV specials are shot on UBC, and there is an unusual abundance of catering vans scattered around campus. Drop your backpack (a dead giveaway that you’re not part of the cast or crew) and go look like you know what you’re doing. The caterers won’t know the difference, and do they really care who eats the food? No, their job is to make it and serve it. If it gets eaten, good; by whom is none of their concern.

Well, that’s all I feel like giving away at this point, if you think I’ve left out anything crucial, then write your own damn article because we need more writers. I hope this helps some of you, and I’ll be honoured if I hear of any of your zany exploits that were results of my suggestions. Feel free to email caper ideas to me at snaphegyi@hotmail.com; I’m always looking for a fall-guy.