Divorce Doesn't Ruin People, People Ruin People

I recently read a Globe and Mail article called "Joint Custody Blows" by Alexandra Shimo and my mother asked my opinion on it since I was a joint custody kid. This is what I said to her:

"After reading the article, I feel that I must be a more well ajusted person than lots of other people. The article seems to blame the parents divorce for all of the children's problems, but it's just as likely that those kids are just fucked up people, from fucked up parents, who would have been fucked up regardless of whether or not the parents had stayed together."

As the product of a divorce, I can honestly say that my life was just as normal, maybe more so, than single-unit families. I don't have commitment, attachment, or abandonment issues, and I don't use my parents divorce as a crutch every time I have a problem. I think that the biggest part of the divorce problem is television. By showing divorce in such a negative light, where the parents hate each other and use the kids to hurt everybody, people tend to think that what they see on television is what is actually happening to them. My father never ran off with his secretary (he's never even had a job where he would have had to employ a secretary), my mother didn't stand at the door scowling when my father picked me up for my week long stay at his house (in fact, she would come to his car and say "hello" to him and my stepmother), and I never felt that the divorce was my fault for not being a good child (how could it have been my fault? They divorced when I was seven, and up until then my life had just been one big hunt for candy - and nobody else's parents were getting divorced over that). The only difference between my life and the lives of the kids whose parents lived together was that I would forget things occasionally at the other house, not really a problem when both parents have cars and can stop by the other house on the way home (I did live in Winnipeg, however, and everything's only a ten minute drive away).

My parents divorce was probably the best thing that ever happened to my relationship with them. Had they stayed together (eventually) hating each other, I think that would have been much more damaging than splitting up before all the animosity set in. I can imagine that it's probably a lot more horrifying for children when their parents fight constantly, saying terribly hateful things to each other, than when they split up before that starts to happen (or at least keep it away from the child if it has set in already).

To quote Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, "the fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves". People love to blame divorce for their own, and their children's, problems. It's easy to do because divorce is not a person. It will never retort by saying, "at least I didn't sleep with Sheila at last years Christmas party". Divorce is an entity, a product of our society, that we have become too accustomed to using as an excuse for what we don't want to take responsibility for. Like bad drivers, it seems to be everyone else's problem but not our own (how many people reading this will admit to being terrible drivers themselves?). Divorce doesn't mess up children, immature parents mess up children. When you get married, you need to think about the possibility of divorce under any circumstance, especially before having children. Think to yourself, "will I be able to keep my own feelings away from my children if he/she leaves me for somebody else and takes all of my money?", and think about it honestly. Now, the answer to this question will most likely be "no", but it's something to think about because this is what you need to strive for when divorce happens. Do you think your child would want to hear your feelings about the ex-partner? If you answered "yes", then think about what the child would say if you had asked them about their feelings for the other parent. Consider your feelings now, and how they would impact your child. Would telling them what you think really be a constructive thing to do? It's your maturity level, and ability to keep your negative opinions to yourself, is what will prevent your child from being damaged by a divorce. Staying together just because you don't want your children to go through that will make it lots worse in the long run.